Archive for September, 2010

The VAMPIRE Channel

Posted in Uncategorized on September 29, 2010 by larryharwin


“…and that, I believe is a lesson that we all ought to learn. That’s all for today’s Sunset Sermonette; be sure to tune in tomorrow when I’ll be telling the true story of a young man whose efforts really were ‘all in vein.’ Now, stay tuned for the evening weather report, after these messages.”

“Oooooohhhh, I’m a young, nubile virgin, only nineteen years old, dressed in the flimsiest of nighties, eagerly awaiting your call. Just pick up the phone and dial 1-900-VIRGINS and one of our many luscious virgins is waiting to talk to you. 1-900-VIRGINS, bringing new blood to the world of one-to-one conversation, only fifteen dollars per call. Call me–I’m waiting for you.”

“The Vampire Channel, entertainment from sunset to sunrise with the sophisticated vampire in mind. There’s no need to go out into the cold cruel world when we bring a world of entertainment into your castle every night. Here’s tonight’s exciting lineup:

6:00: THE B-POSITIVE GOURMET. Start your night off right with the tooth- tempting creations of Stu Sikorsky, the B-Positive Gourmet. Tonight Stu will be showing you how to turn those ordinary leftovers into a delicious blood pudding!

6:30: THE WONDER CENTURIES. The heartwarming saga of a young vampire growing up in in small-town Transylvania.

7:30: BURIED WITH CHILDREN. Laughs abound as Vlad brings home a jug of ketchup, thinking that it’s blood.

8:00: TWIN BITES. Someone put a stake through Laura Von Palmer’s heart, but who? (Part Seventeen: we don’t find out in this episode either.)

9:00: MOVIE: SCAR TREK II–THE WRAITH OF KHAN. Evil werewolves are pursuing VonKirk on a distant planet and somebody has taken his coffin. Can Spook and Bones save him by sunrise?

11:00: 300-SOMETHING. Gaspov sleeps through an important meeting, Valeria tries to decide whether she likes Bill enough to bite him a third time, Korosky and Eunice decide to try adoption.

12:00: AMERICA’S FUNNIEST BLOOD DONATIONS. Bloopers, boners, and bumbles from the biggest city blood banks to the smallest school blood drives.

12:30: NIGHT COUNT. Judge Stein trys to find Squid a toupee’ while Don tries to set up a date with three blood-sucking hookers.

1:00: LOATHESOME GLOVE. The almost true story of the first vampires to colonize the old west. (Part two.)

2:00: MOVIE: VAMPBO–FIRST BLOOD, THEN GUTS. Silkvested Staleloaf as Vampbo, a shell-shocked vet sent on a night mission to rescue a whole family of vampires from the twin sons of Von Helsing’s cousin-in-law.

4:00: UNCLE BUCKTEETH. Uncle Buckteeth gets into the wrong line at the department of motor vehicles and accidentally ends up entered into the 1990 Miss America Pageant. (No, we don’t understand it either.)

4:30: VONGYVER. VonGyver and his sidekick venture off to Australia where they discover the long-lost tomb of the Pharoh Phred (which, since it’s in Australia, you can imagine just how badly lost it was even to start with) and VonGyver must save his friend and the entire city of Sydney from the Curse of Phred using only a paper clip, a number two pencil without an eraser, a miniature plastic tuba, and a wire whisk.

Viagra For Windows

Posted in Uncategorized on September 29, 2010 by larryharwin

What good is having a big disk…
…if your computer won’t stay up long enough for you to use it?

 

There’s nothing more embarrassing than having your computer go down just when you’re ready for a big demo, yet it happens all the time. The fact is that an ever-increasing number of computer users suffer from Operating System Dysfunction (OSD). Studies have shown that OSD is the number one cause of dented computer cases and defenestrated monitors, and more cases of OSD are being diagnosed all the time.
Most OSD sufferers never admit to their condition in public for fear of ridicule and because they simply assume it’s an untreatable condition and that they have no choice but to live with it.

But if you suffer from OSD, your condition may soon be a thing of the past: just one little blue disk and you’ll have an operating system that’s as stable as a rock and ready to run all night long!

 

Your computer will stay up for hours with
Viagra for Windows
Windows Viagra is not for everyone–for example, if you don’t have a computer, Viagra for Windows may not be able to help you–but it has been clinically proven to help the majority of computer users who suffer from occasional or chronic OSD. In many cases, even computers that are no longer able to run the current version of Windows at all will respond to treatment with Windows Viagra and come right up!  

new Viagra for Windows
“Keep your computer up longer than ever!”

 

play with your joystick all night long
“Play with your joystick all night long!”
Whether you need to get the maximum performance from your gaming or video rendering system or you just want to play with your joystick all night longWindows Viagra will keep your computer up and running! 

Now works with your Palm Pilot, too!
got a teeny disk? If you’re looking for an even greater performance boost, you may wish to consider Windows Viagra Plus!— all the benefits of Windows Viagra plus our own proprietary size-enhancing formula!

  • FACT:  Over 99.9% of computer users wish they had a bigger disk.
  • FACT:  With regular use, Windows Viagra Plus can increase the size of your ejections.
  • FACT:  In just three months, Windows Viagra Plus can give a bigger disk to anyone with even the most rudimentary Photoshop skills.
  • FACT:  Studies have shown that ads listing four or more facts, relevant or not, sell more products.

 

Windows viagra will make it huge!
Also available: Herbal Viagra for Windows!
Doesn’t actually do anything, but it’s herbal!
 

Remember, no medication is for everyone. Though Windows Viagra is generally safe for most computers, some side effects may occur. These include occasional blue screens and loss of function of one or more animated help icons (paper clip, annoying dog, dancing CD with floating eyebrows, etc.). Not all hardware configurations are fully supported with a single, default installation. Multiprocessor systems and computers with greater than one gigabyte of memory will require a kernel recompile to receive the full benefits of Windows Viagra. No guarantees are expressed or implied. Individual results may vary. GIMP may be substituted for Photoshop, but users of Windows Viagra Plus are advised to avoid MS Paint which will yield unsatisfactory results.

 

Extended sign-off mnemonics

Posted in Uncategorized on September 29, 2010 by larryharwin

These days it’s quite common for messages on social-oriented bulletin boards to end with signoffs like “Hi and hugs to everybody.” In fact, this has become so popular that as much as 7.5% of the disk space on some BBS’s is currently devoted to this particular comment. The International Committee for Relatively Pointless Abbreviations and Badly Misspelled Acronyms (SPUDS) has just released a new, internationally approved list of abbreviated signoffs. These include:

ooo hugs
xxx kisses
OOO big hugs
XXX big kisses
oo hugs for everybody but you
OO! big, excited hugs
CCC hugs for people you can’t quite reach around
OOQ hugging with tongue
xx@ kisses and earlobe nibbling
zzz snoring
yyy anything that occurs between kissing and snoring
H handshake
kkk Alternate form of “handshakes for all”
KKK White robes for all
AAA talk-show not-really kissing
[X] kissing in the closet
XYZZY a kiss that moves you
MMM Same as WWW, but from inversion boots
LLL Armwrestles for all
OOO~~~ Big hugs and large caterpillars for all
))) Smiles for all
TTT Trees for all
jjj gooses for all
JJJ big gooses for all
OOOXXXYYYZZZ This is illegal before marriage in nine states
OOOXXXyZZZZZ Still illegal, but generally not nearly as well received

Remember, there is much more work to be done to codify and abbreviate excessively clear and understandable sign-off messages and replace them with efficient and incomprehensible international symbols. Please contribute money, suggestions, and chocolate to this worthy cause, and help make conversation boards a better place for assembly-language programmers.

The Lucky Charms Sex Quiz

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on September 29, 2010 by larryharwin

 
Amazing new study shows that your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow bit shape determines what you’re like in bed! Yes, it’s true–just take this simple test to determine your true bedroom personality:

 

Green clovers:
If your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow shape is the green clover, you’re a happy-go-lucky type in bed. You don’t take anything too seriously in the bedroom or elsewhere and always manage to have a good time, even if you have someone else with you. You don’t have any patience with depressed people and tend to sit on them until they cheer up.
 
Blue diamonds:
If your favorite marhmallow shape is the blue diamond, your thoughts in bed are mostly about what you’ll get later. “If he really enjoys this, will he buy me that mink coat?” is probably what’s going through your mind. People who like blue diamonds have a notebook of preprinted fill-in-the-blank palimony suit forms and are the people most likely to file their nails while making love.
 
Orange Stars:
If your favorite shape is the orange star, you expect to be the center of attention in bed. You expect your partner to spend most of his time pleasing you and when you do something for him, you expect enthusiastic moaning if not applause. People who like orange stars often have mirrors over their beds, not because they are turned on by watching what is being done, but because they want to be able to watch themselves having a good time. They often moan out their own names while making love.
 
Pink hearts:
If you like pink hearts, you’re the romantic type. You like your partner to whisper romantic phrases into your ear and, if he’s too distracted to form coherent phrases, you’ll settle for romantic syllables. People who like pink hearts read most of the romance novels published and are turned on by people wearing armor.

 

 
Purple horseshoes:
If purple horseshoes are your thing, your tastes are modern, uninhibited, and somewhat warped. You like variety in the bedroom, especially when you can include handcuffs, chains, swingsets, and chocolate pudding. Be careful when going out on a picnic with anyone who likes purple horseshoes–she’s likely to pin you down with croquet hoops when you’re not looking and who knows what could happen next?

 
Yellow Moons:
If you’re the yellow moon type, you’re more interested in satisfying your partner’s needs than your own. You prefer to lie back and wait for your partner to jump on you and express her needs verbally or nonverbally. People who like yellow moons usually own several pairs of handcuffs and other instruments of kinky sex just in case someone should ever want to tie them up and ravish them. Keep your eyes open for anyone who eats all the purple horseshoes out of her cereal as soon as she opens the box.

Those little oat bits that aren’t marshmallows at all:
If you prefer the little oat bits, you probably don’t like sex anyway and don’t need to read this article. People who prefer the oat bits usually become accountants, librarians who work at the reference desk, or government employees; these people like to chow down on a big bowl brimming with oat bits before a tough day of protesting suggestive lyrics in rock music. People who like oat bits have more time to spend writing letters to the editor than any other type.

 

Life Is Too Short

Posted in Uncategorized on September 29, 2010 by larryharwin

 An Encouraging Message To My Disturbed Friends

I don’t care if you lick windows,

Take the special bus,

Or occasionally pee on yourself…

Every 60 seconds you spend angry, upset or mad,

Is a full minute of happiness you’ll never get back..

Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile..

What Do You Want For Your Birthday?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on September 20, 2010 by larryharwin

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning…   

I went downstairs for  breakfast   
Hoping my wife would be pleasant and  say,   
‘Happy  Birthday!’,   
And possibly  have a small present for  me.   


As it turned out,   
She barely said good morning,   
Let alone   
‘ Happy Birthday.’   


I thought….   


Well, that’s marriage for you,   
But the kids….   
They will remember.   


My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word…   
So when I left for the office,   
I felt pretty low   
And somewhat despondent.   


As I walked into my office,   
My secretary Jane said,   
‘Good Morning Boss,   
And by the way   
Happy Birthday!  ‘   
It felt a little better   
That at least someone had remembered.   


I  worked until one o’clock  ,   
When Jane knocked on my  door   
And said, ‘You  know,   
It’s such a beautiful  day outside,   
And it is your  Birthday,   
What do you say  we go out to lunch,   
Just  you and me..’   
I said, ‘Thanks, Jane,   
that’s the greatest thing   
I’ve heard all day.   
Let’s go!’   


We went to lunch.   
But we didn’t go   
where we normally would go. 
She chose instead at a quiet bistro   
with a private table.   
We had two martinis each   
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.   


On the way back to the office, Jane said, ‘You know,   
It’s such a beautiful day…   
We don’t need to go straight back to the office,   
Do We?’   


I responded,   
‘I guess not.   
What do you have in mind?’   
She said,   
‘Let’s drop by my apartment;   
it’s just around the corner.’   


After arriving at her apartment,   
Jane turned to me and said, 


‘ Boss, if you don’t mind,   
I’m going to step into the bedroom   
For just a moment.   
I’ll be right back.’   
‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.   


She  went into the bedroom  and,   
After a couple of  minutes,   
She came  out   
Carrying a huge  birthday cake  …   
Followed   
By  my wife,   
My  kids,   
And dozens of my  friends   
And  co-workers,   
All singing  ‘Happy Birthday’.   


And I just sat there….   


On the couch….   


Naked.

It’s Been A Tough Year…

Posted in Uncategorized on September 17, 2010 by larryharwin

>
But so far I’ve made it !!!

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. 

I ordered a burger at McDonald’s, and the kid behind the counter asked,  ”Can you afford fries with that?” 

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf. 

If the bank returns your check marked  ”Insufficient Funds,” you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them . 

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. 

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4  ’ouncer’. 

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children’s names. 

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico . 

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. 

Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore. 

The Mafia is laying off judges. 

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. 

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal  Oh Great!!   The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear ! 

And, finallyI was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.