The VAMPIRE Channel

“…and that, I believe is a lesson that we all ought to learn. That’s all for today’s Sunset Sermonette; be sure to tune in tomorrow when I’ll be telling the true story of a young man whose efforts really were ‘all in vein.’ Now, stay tuned for the evening weather report, after these messages.”

“Oooooohhhh, I’m a young, nubile virgin, only nineteen years old, dressed in the flimsiest of nighties, eagerly awaiting your call. Just pick up the phone and dial 1-900-VIRGINS and one of our many luscious virgins is waiting to talk to you. 1-900-VIRGINS, bringing new blood to the world of one-to-one conversation, only fifteen dollars per call. Call me–I’m waiting for you.”

“The Vampire Channel, entertainment from sunset to sunrise with the sophisticated vampire in mind. There’s no need to go out into the cold cruel world when we bring a world of entertainment into your castle every night. Here’s tonight’s exciting lineup:

6:00: THE B-POSITIVE GOURMET. Start your night off right with the tooth- tempting creations of Stu Sikorsky, the B-Positive Gourmet. Tonight Stu will be showing you how to turn those ordinary leftovers into a delicious blood pudding!

6:30: THE WONDER CENTURIES. The heartwarming saga of a young vampire growing up in in small-town Transylvania.

7:30: BURIED WITH CHILDREN. Laughs abound as Vlad brings home a jug of ketchup, thinking that it’s blood.

8:00: TWIN BITES. Someone put a stake through Laura Von Palmer’s heart, but who? (Part Seventeen: we don’t find out in this episode either.)

9:00: MOVIE: SCAR TREK II–THE WRAITH OF KHAN. Evil werewolves are pursuing VonKirk on a distant planet and somebody has taken his coffin. Can Spook and Bones save him by sunrise?

11:00: 300-SOMETHING. Gaspov sleeps through an important meeting, Valeria tries to decide whether she likes Bill enough to bite him a third time, Korosky and Eunice decide to try adoption.

12:00: AMERICA’S FUNNIEST BLOOD DONATIONS. Bloopers, boners, and bumbles from the biggest city blood banks to the smallest school blood drives.

12:30: NIGHT COUNT. Judge Stein trys to find Squid a toupee’ while Don tries to set up a date with three blood-sucking hookers.

1:00: LOATHESOME GLOVE. The almost true story of the first vampires to colonize the old west. (Part two.)

2:00: MOVIE: VAMPBO–FIRST BLOOD, THEN GUTS. Silkvested Staleloaf as Vampbo, a shell-shocked vet sent on a night mission to rescue a whole family of vampires from the twin sons of Von Helsing’s cousin-in-law.

4:00: UNCLE BUCKTEETH. Uncle Buckteeth gets into the wrong line at the department of motor vehicles and accidentally ends up entered into the 1990 Miss America Pageant. (No, we don’t understand it either.)

4:30: VONGYVER. VonGyver and his sidekick venture off to Australia where they discover the long-lost tomb of the Pharoh Phred (which, since it’s in Australia, you can imagine just how badly lost it was even to start with) and VonGyver must save his friend and the entire city of Sydney from the Curse of Phred using only a paper clip, a number two pencil without an eraser, a miniature plastic tuba, and a wire whisk.


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